and the purple just bleeds

Dear Solana,

I sit here eating my smarties, which by the way Im not supposed to be having,(shhh dont tell mom! oh wait...Im screwed. Mom has a facebook :p)contemplating whether or not I wanted to put this up. Then finally i just decided that I had nothing to lose nor fear. I did not plan on getting diagnosed with lupus. But I think it is important for people to understand why this needed to be put up, and why I chose to get this tattooed on my wrist.

It took five years for a diagnoses. It took five years of going insane. It took five years of having my mom be the only to think there was genuinely think there was something wrong with me. And it took five years for my family to help me find a diagnoses. None of which they gave up on me for. And now here I am today. Looking for better ways to live the life in which I have left. So here I go. Explanation number 2.

I have as of late met and talked with a lot of women who have had lupus. Ive heard peoples stories out, read books, read blogs, researched internet sites out, and yup my brain is filled with enough information to pack Dodger Stadium on a losing streak (yes its that insane). So, Im a little overwhelmed, but to be honest, I'm putting the puzzle together. As one author said, "Im suppressing the wolf". And in all this, at the end of the day, I had hardly read any information that did not include this element of depression. I felt it important to have a tattoo that REALLY stated something about my disease.

So,on my wrist is a tattoo of a ribbon that stands for lupus and a cross smack right on top. That makes two crosses on my body. That should really tell someone something I hope. I want people to know that Christ is the center of my disease. That He has ordained this for me and I am not one bit angry, sad, or even wondering why He chose this for my life. Instead, my mom and I have really trusted Him with this and we are thankful that He is blessing my family and I with the tools to really equip me to live the best life I can.

So things are changing. And Im feeling better. Ive learned a lot on the way. Ive learned that my liver is partially damaged, and that with the proper diet and exercise I can heal it. Ive learned that the pain may never truly go away but its gotten way better with this better diet and exercise. Ive also learned that this is lifelong. There is no going back. Kinda like the tattoo. Theres no going back.

And as I eat my last smartie, which I really should be done with, for like...ever, I really want to raise awareness. Not just for my disease, but also that I'm handling this the best way possible. Through Christ. And always. Hes the center of the ribbon. Hes the center of the disease. And if I can begin to understand that He ordained this, than I truly believe I can serve Him wherever He wants me.

So with that. School is going really well and so is my job(which is a miracle). God is really good. Thank you for your prayers. I will continue to update as needed. :]

love Sam!