and the purple just bleeds

Dear Solana,

I sit here eating my smarties, which by the way Im not supposed to be having,(shhh dont tell mom! oh wait...Im screwed. Mom has a facebook :p)contemplating whether or not I wanted to put this up. Then finally i just decided that I had nothing to lose nor fear. I did not plan on getting diagnosed with lupus. But I think it is important for people to understand why this needed to be put up, and why I chose to get this tattooed on my wrist.

It took five years for a diagnoses. It took five years of going insane. It took five years of having my mom be the only to think there was genuinely think there was something wrong with me. And it took five years for my family to help me find a diagnoses. None of which they gave up on me for. And now here I am today. Looking for better ways to live the life in which I have left. So here I go. Explanation number 2.

I have as of late met and talked with a lot of women who have had lupus. Ive heard peoples stories out, read books, read blogs, researched internet sites out, and yup my brain is filled with enough information to pack Dodger Stadium on a losing streak (yes its that insane). So, Im a little overwhelmed, but to be honest, I'm putting the puzzle together. As one author said, "Im suppressing the wolf". And in all this, at the end of the day, I had hardly read any information that did not include this element of depression. I felt it important to have a tattoo that REALLY stated something about my disease.

So,on my wrist is a tattoo of a ribbon that stands for lupus and a cross smack right on top. That makes two crosses on my body. That should really tell someone something I hope. I want people to know that Christ is the center of my disease. That He has ordained this for me and I am not one bit angry, sad, or even wondering why He chose this for my life. Instead, my mom and I have really trusted Him with this and we are thankful that He is blessing my family and I with the tools to really equip me to live the best life I can.

So things are changing. And Im feeling better. Ive learned a lot on the way. Ive learned that my liver is partially damaged, and that with the proper diet and exercise I can heal it. Ive learned that the pain may never truly go away but its gotten way better with this better diet and exercise. Ive also learned that this is lifelong. There is no going back. Kinda like the tattoo. Theres no going back.

And as I eat my last smartie, which I really should be done with, for like...ever, I really want to raise awareness. Not just for my disease, but also that I'm handling this the best way possible. Through Christ. And always. Hes the center of the ribbon. Hes the center of the disease. And if I can begin to understand that He ordained this, than I truly believe I can serve Him wherever He wants me.

So with that. School is going really well and so is my job(which is a miracle). God is really good. Thank you for your prayers. I will continue to update as needed. :]

love Sam!

Color me Purple

Dear Solana,

So it is now come to pass that I have been diagnosed with Lupus. As my family and I start this journey of research, I kinda realized I dont fully understand what I have. Ive read the books and seen the web pages. Ive listened to peoples stories and yet I think I need to say Im not nearly as depressed as everyone thinks I am. And maybe this is why. Every page I went to that was related to "living with lupus" ended with a sad story of death. Thanks be to God, mine is not that serious. Serious...but not that serious. So lupus basically is my immune system attacking itself causing damage to the tissue in my body and randomly pops out of no where...and randomly disappears.

Im thankful for all the prayers first and foremost and I realize now I need them more than ever. Specifically if you think of me this is what I need prayer in:
1. Strength to do my job more than just effectively. Working with ice all day and customer service and a fast paced environment isnt helpful to my body. Yet, so far God has sustained.
2. School. Ive noticed that my memory is fading and my ability to do school is extremely difficult. However, Ive always loved learning and if I need to find other means of educating myself I will but I prefer school. :]
3. Energy. Im completely zonked after any task. I can barely move boxes that are "light as a feather" and open the gallons of milk.
4. Pain. Pray that the pain will go away. At times it can be very intense. Thankfully it has not happened at work. Its difficult to walk around theme parks or even the mall now for long periods of time. I dont want this to stop me from doing anything...AKA the things i love to do like painting. or playing at the park.

So, here I am. 20 years old with an auto immune disease. Apparently a pretty serious one at that. To be quite honest it hasnt hit yet that this isnt going away. That this is a lifetime disease. My family knows no "small" trial. We go big...or well...we go home. To be honest, im not sad. Im not angry. Im thankful beyond all relief.

Ive lived 4 years with these symptoms going undiagnosed. Thinking that I was just allergic to the air and that was it. Somedays I felt like I was being a whimp for not being able to handle what life was throwing at me. The day to day stress. So, I worked through it. And now here I am realizing that just because I was diagnosed, doesnt mean Im gonna let it stop me from living my life. For doing work for the kingdom. I might not be able to go overseas, BUT hey. Ill take whatever God throws at me. Im all smiles. Im thankful. God has answered my prayer of a diagnoses.

If anything this has strengthened my relationship with Him. Thanks to all of you who are surrounding me in this time...well my lifetime actually. This is gonna be fun. This is life. Everyone has challenges. Mine is just gonna be my health.

"Go, then, earthly fame and treasure! Come, disaster, scorn and pain!
In Thy service pain is pleasure; with Thy favor, loss is gain.
I have called Thee, “Abba, Father”; I have set my heart on Thee:
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather, all must work for good to me."

Eric Liddell is my hero. He was a runner. Something I always aspired to be but never could achieve because of my body hindering me in someway. He stood up for his faith in ways that I could only dream of doing. He did missions in China, at a peak of persecution, and was killed for it. He ran. He served. He lived the way I want to live. And I too want to renew my strength. and mount up with wings like eagles. I want to run and no longer be weary nor faint.

lupus has my body. But it will not have me or my faith. :]

Love Sam

P.S. Explaining the title: lupus' ribbon is the color purple.

Where the Ink Meets the Ankle Bone

Dear Solana,

I have to genuinely say by the age of 20 I never thought I would have a tattoo. Here I am, almost twenty and have had my tattoo for about a month now. So before I start explaining why I am writing this letter let me set out some "ground rules". This isnt a letter that's asking people to debate whether or not tattoos are "spiritually okie dokie". I am a little past that debate...for some obvious reasons. Secondly, You are more than welcome to leave you're opinion on the matter, just know I may chose not to answer. And lastly, yes I do know it is there for life. Thank you.

The reason why I am writing this letter is to explain my thought process behind it all. 1. It did hecka hurt. Ironically the cross is actually what hurt the most. Does anyone else find it kind of funny that the "Together for the Gospel" logo is tattooed on my ankle? Makes me smile. 2. I did some research and found out that my names origin is in greek. Who would of thought. So tattooed around my ankle is the phrase "Corrine is redeemed through Jesus Christ".

I wanted to get something that reflected who I am. What makes the very essence of who I am today. I chose the word "redeemed" because of the power behind it. Redeemed literally means "to be bought". It makes me think of the lyrics to that one song..."Im bought with a price that is not my own/Im seated in the heavenlies". To think that I was bought really gets down to the core of the whole matter, and the fact that my Savior is whom bought me is pretty freaking awesome as well.

For the longest time I wrestled with getting a cross tattooed on me. It seemed like the proper mexican thing to do after all. I felt like a cross was extremely cliche. As if to say...Yep Im a Christian and Im gonna get the cross. Then I realized how much power there was behind the cross. If I was going to have words tattooed on me saying I was redeemed than it only makes sense to have the symbol of redemption on me. Duh! Although, it came out a tidge bit bigger than I planned, (and I love it), I realize how much it draws people to the eye. The cross is unlike anything I have seen before and it shows a meaning of unity through what is most important...The Gospel.

Essentially, thats what Im trying to get at. Whats the most important. The Gospel. Thats what its all about, and why not have something on me that reflects that very message...yeah...the Gospel. And why not have on me the very important thing that defines who I am. Yep, The Gospel. So, the next time you do not see me in jeans (good luck, cuz I wear them all the time) take a gander. I love that people ask me what it means in greek. It opens this new door for conversation. And I love it. It was purposeful. And exciting.

Love Sam

Where the Tree meets the Ornament

Dear Solana,

Ive never had a problem with "getting into the spirit of Christmas". It must be one of those things that actually runs through my blood because my mom is the same way. Now the question you are probably asking is why am I talking about Christmas in May? Cuz Christmas is just that amazing. I could listen to Christmas music off and on all year round, and when July hits, its on for the whole month.

Christmas without of the doubt is my favorite holiday. Whats not to love about it? Lets set aside the fact that the reason why I love Christmas the most is the fact that I celebrate my Savior being born and look at some other reasons first.

1. The music: All of it! I dont think there is one Christmas song that I dont like! I love the classics, the newbies and the good ole hymns that we sing in church, and even the orchestra ones (yeah...there is orchestra ones).

2. The lights: My favorite thing to do at Christmas is just look at the lights. I tend to be drawn to those streets in Valencia that put on the most amazing light shows that I am sure just about sends the electricity bill right into outer space...but it is fun to drive through and stare. My eyes cant take it all in. I remember when my dad had a paper route I went with him on Christmas morning, and everyone left their lights on. It was fun to toss papers to those houses...despite the fact that when i threw one bag the whole paper went flying all over the driveway...worst part about that situation. The homeowners were looking outside their window. Yeah, I know...Im embarrassing. Thanks for the reminder.

3. The trees: My mom can decorate the best Christmas tree in the world. Yes...it is EXTREMELY particular, but amazing at the same time. My grandmother has the best tree in the world because it spins...oh, and its flocked. AND you can see it driving up my street. Even better! oh and my aunt and uncles is probably the prettiest themed colors. I love traditional trees. The best thing about living with as many people as I do is having a variety of Christmas trees...and yeah I have a sleeping beauty one and a beach themed one. They are just that awesome.

4. Charlie Brown: Its like this tradition that my mom keeps up with. The holidays beckon Charlie Brown. As each holiday draws near (sometimes before depending on our moods) my mom will put in a Charlie Brown movie as she decorates her room. As she decorates the house, the music goes on. When July draws near my mom gets super excited for the fall and winter so usually she will pop in a Charlie Brown movie and have a marathon. Its something I look forward to and yes, I can quote a Charlie Brown Christmas by heart...I am that ridiculous.

5. Starbucks: One Starbucks Christmas did me in. Its the most hectic time of the year but for the most part I have nothing to complain about. I enjoyed working the holidays. I became known as the girl with the goofy hat. No joke. I wore a goofy Christmas hat to work almost every day, and my head got VERY hot. Thanks Caleb for letting me borrow it. Oh and Mom gets a Christmas ornament every year to go on her...wait for it....Starbucks Christmas tree. No joke.

So, with all that in mind I get super excited for Christmas. The music is the best part. My friend Sarah and I decided that we could paint to it any time and be completely satisfied. How can you not smile at the thought of it? Seriously.

I guess what really put me in the mood for this letter was the fact that Im working on Christmas drawing next. It pretty much helped me get inspired.
Love Sam

From the Paint to the Canvas

Dear Solana,

I paint. Or attempt to paint. Today my friend took me to Blicks out in Pasadena to get some REAL art supplies, something I have never been able to experience. I was hoping to finish my painting of Small World and with those high hopes came ruin. All I REALLY wanted to do was add some brown to the stone work that gave it that Tim Burton kind of edge and in the end it ended up being brown and ugly. So as I sit here and stare at this awfulness and wait for it to dry so I can go back and finish it, I am now writing to you.

I do not paint because I have a "talent" in it. To be honest, I think my skills in the art department are hardly skills at all. I paint because I enjoy it. Some people need outlets to relax and think over the day. Mine happens to be painting. There is nothing more relaxing than watching something that originally was white and plain become a colorful masterpiece. Art forces one to slow down and use their thought process to evaluate what the next stroke might be. If you move too fast the paint might splatter, drip and not move the ways you want it to.

Painting has taught me to unwind from the fast pace of my job. My job tells me to move Fast. If someones latte is not out under three minutes from the order to the hand off then you might as well have failed. and too bad it was not an epic fail either. To come home from work and be able to move as slow as I want transfers to my paintings.

So while i look at my brown splotch on my canvas I sit here shaking my head telling myself that there is value behind going slow and being able to do so. Hopefully this is a fixable mistake and not a horrible one.

Sincerely Sam

Finally Arrived

Dearest Solana,

How I long to run my feet through your sand and look to the clear sky. How I look forward to sharing my thoughts and composing some thoughts on paper once again.

Sincerely Sam